Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy Black Girl Day!

(Wo)Man! I swore I wouldn't forget, but this is the 2nd one in a row. What can I lament on this month? Well, I've noticed that its getting darker earlier and now that I work on a college campus, I notice the building getting a lot noisier. Summer's nearing to a close, but while its here, ill post 5 summery things that keep me a HBG.

1. Summer sunrises. I'm a heavy sleeper. Its incredibly hard for me to wake on time in the winter. I'm also not a morning person, so I need some type of sunlight to encourage me to get up and be productive. Its harder to sleep in when its bright at 5:30am. The one thing ill miss about my apartment is my windows cause they're huge and let in lots of light

2. My AC. I grew up on window fans and sleepin nekkid. While both things are quite enjoyable (shoutout to living alone) I knew I was a grown up when I bought my first air conditioner last month. Or was it when I saw my Con Ed bill more than doubled? Hmm.

3. Summer dresses. I've worn (and owned) more dresses this summer than ever. Outside of prom, graduation, induction, and the occasional wedding, I never really owned dresses just because. And now, I buy them left a nd right. In multiple colors, including pink. Not so much sold on shoes. One day, maybe.

4. Free ish to do. NYC offers so much to do for cheap or free in the summer: shows, the pool, parties, movies, etc. Kayaking at Pier 40 is free on the weekends. Free yoga Thursdays in Marcus Garvey Park. Target First Saturday outside. Granted, I'm at work for 90% of the time, (and wiped/forgetful the other 10%) but I take comfort in knowing its there.

5. The food. Huge surprise, right? I love barbeque as much as I love breakfast and bacon. If I could make an rib omelette on a grill... Well that might be gross, but yeah, I'd be down. Love hot dogs on a grill. Potato salad? Check. Coleslaw? Yes. Various coolers of wine and spirits? Don't haveta tell me twice!

And now for some fellow happy black girl publicity. Check out @sistatoldja's blog thebeautifulstruggler.com. She gets this HBGD poppin in these here streets.
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Monday, August 9, 2010

Writer

Inspired by re-reading my writing from undergrad and confirming I have this gift.

I wanna be a writer and make others think.
Make em say "ah" no trey
Make em say "hmm"
Make em say "whaaaa?"
And nod, make em say "word, aight."

I wanna be a writer and make others laugh
Laugh impolitely on the subway
Laugh from the bottom of their belly
Laugh till it hurts some
And then laugh some more, in agreement, in acknowledgement, in an experience shared.

I wanna be a writer and hang with the other writers
We'd drink our drinks
We'd smoke our smoke
We'd be cool, desired, envied even.
We'd have intelligent debate
We'd converse and pontificate
We'd dance around concepts and ideas for new pieces until it got late
Really, we should be going.

Am I the writer I thought I'd be now
I wanna be the writer I once was
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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

History in the Making

On Monday, I chatted with Terrence at Whole Foods, lamenting on how he sells groceries he can't afford for himself ("I have to work a couple of hours to even justify a $9 chocolate bar," referring to the customer before me). Tuesday, @snoble1025 and I briefly lamented on Essence magazine hiring a white fashion director (and the "yall need to have a seat" letter that followed by the editor in chief). Wednesday, I attended a panel discussing minorities in business school, (and get no further in deciding if an MBA is in my future) and talk to @craziijnell about the FDNY's desperate push to hire 1,000 African-American firepeople in response to being found using "discriminatory practices" in their hiring process.

A conversation with my mentor in Sigma (and life) on education (find her blog here: nucitynuview.blogspot.com) including black literature in curriculum planning, and what the hell we educators are missing in producing a more successful generation of academics. Our more affluent peers aren't struggling in the same manner. Their children are born into a pep rally of success and the desire to succeed. There are constant and consistent messages to pursue higher education, apply and attend the best schools, interview and become employed by the best companies. Those who stick to the plan learn the best is what's expected and as you move up, the faces, names and affiliations will stay consistent too.

We educators try changing the variables: lower teacher:child ratio, pay teachers more, make teacher certification stricter, or conversely, make teaching an entry-level position, so millenial college grads can create a corps of younger, brighter, innovative teachers, sent to the front lines to fight the good fight on behalf of the black, brown and in some parts of the country, white, faces. Faces that have stories and names that will equally blow your mind, and may not know or realize they're worth fighting for.

While great gains have been measured from these actions, we've experienced an interesting history of educational access. In the course of a few hundred years, black people-a catchall moniker afforded much later-weren't worthy of being mentioned in the same breath of education. Over the years, literacy and learning became the best-kept secret-a financial best-practice in keeping your "staff" loyal to the business. Once we were given an inch, our people took an ell-a few ells-in proving that yes, we can, and that we will-for our fathers of the past and the sons of our future. It was an unspoken promise, a mutually understood agreement.

Black people, with or without intention, made their mark in every field: medicine, law, business, arts, humanities, engineering, sports and yes, education. We, over the last hundred-some-odd years have become a list of "first Negro/African-American/Black (to)________", trotted out in certain chapters of our history books, certain months of the year, or whenever the "hey, black people can do it too!" argument needs to be made.

The MLKs, Thurgood Marshalls, Shirley Chisolms and Charles Drews of their generation experienced similar struggles my uncle wouldve faced as a Navy man, or my aunt as she worked through medical school. Educational access was still a rarity, a combination of hardwork and right place, right time, a pass to the other side. Blatant racism and discrimination lived unashamed and the struggle to succeed was an expectation. Through this, I'd like to think these groundbreaking "black firsts" were role models, offering my elders (not even my mother, a child of the 80s, but perhaps my grandmother/aunts/uncles) inspiration and motivation to do better and be the best.

I know, motivation and inspiration comes in different packages.
What's the disconnect for my...differently motivated peers, those led by the "fuck bitches, get money" movement? Today's teachers and educators can answer this better but I'd love to flip through today's English and history books. I'd guess, for our children, the list of writers and history-makers have not been updated to reflect recent history (and I use "today" loosely as I recall my textbooks were as old as 1973). Will my nieces, nephews and cousins still be reading about Rosa Parks, Malcolm X and Jesse Owens in 2010 and beyond? Will Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou, among others, continue to be the black highlights of high school required reading? Surely there is room for more thinkers, writer, and leaders to put rims on these wheels.

I hardly discredit any of these people, but my (grand)mother's heroes are not always my own. Should history be recorded as fast as its made? How do we accurately define what is history, and what is just something that happened to someone at some time (a question for journalists and educators alike). Over the last 15-20 years, a reasonable timeframe for history to be "made" and have a lasting effect on the next generation, who (and what) will be recorded as a testament to our children, that we black, brown (and even white) people made valuable, thought-provoking, ground-breaking, and even teachable contributions to this country and world?

Thought about it? Great, now cross out everyone in sports and entertainment. Now let's work from there.
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Monday, July 26, 2010

tdixondecides...but what about you?

A friend, soror and follower of mine @craziijnell, posts these statements. They follow the same format: "Today is a day of __________ (.) Who I am is ________, ________, and ___________(.)"

Punctuation in parentheses because these statements always lack periods. I like pauses in my speech.

I thought they were taken from one of those inspirational websites that send you emails between 4-8am (ready for you at your desk, coupled w/ morning coffee). Apparently she makes them up herself and uses them to guide her day. I took a stab and wrote a couple this AM. After all, if you know the key phrases and the format, its as easy as writing a mid90s R&B song. But what do those songs (and phrases) REALLY mean?

Affirmations generally are slated to be effective upon repetition, and hopefully, proceeding in a way that reflects said mantra. Is this the same as speaking ideas into existence? If I tape a quote to my bathroom mirror and make a conscious effort to wash, rinse and repeat, is it any more true than the day before?

Are we convincing ourselves of truths? How is this any different than denial, or flat out lying? When one is in denial, they are repeating mantra and affirmations that convince them otherwise. "As long as I tell myself (and others) this truth, it will be true," those who lead a double life.

Or what about religious/spiritual text? Is the Bible (or Torah, or Watchtower *shrug*) just a best-selling book of daily affirmations? Are the statements by the Lord and His peoples become truer the more we cite them, in relation to our lives?

Can anything be true if you repeat it enough, even if its dead wrong, or you don't necessarily agree? Such is the case of our own esteem. If we tell ourselves were the greatest thing since sliced bacon*, if our daddies raise us to believe we can do anything we put our minds to, when our moms, from two years old, ask each night at bedtime "who's the best little boy in the whole wide world?" and you squeal "I am!" in delight, that shapes our being. Similarily, being told that you're dumb, worthless, ugly or otherwise "ain't shit" on a daily basis is just as impactful.

*sliced bacon is a play on "sliced bread," which ill refer and explain in a future post that should've been posted 2 weeks ago.

Now, you could actually be gorgeous or dumb, or the "best little boy in the world," but if it's not true, who gets to decide that?

*looks around* oh, me?

Yes, I get to decide. No fancy language, no time stamps. No question marks, but repeating it daily may require an exclamation. If I can remember to repeat this affirmation, it can (and has) slowly replace other, less desirable ones. I become more effective, and more convincing.

So today is a day of decision. Who I am is decisive, willing to pick, choose, and live comfortably in those decisions.

And so is tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.
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No, everything is NOT OK...Congrats, I'm like everyone else

Years ago, I was no good at emotions. I felt feelings, and kept them bottled up. When I was sad, hurt, upset, it manifested into depression. Mostly mental, seeping into my self-esteem, but also physical. It was so bad that I'd taught myself to suppress positive emotion. Rejoicing in a new hairstyle or an A on an exam was hard to do, because a bigger part of me was convinced that doing so wasn't worth it. My brain was telling me "fuck your happiness. You're still going to be sad about all of these other issues. Sit down."

I was in a dining hall eating alone and I could barely keep it together. I tried to study over pasta, read while snacking on a brownie, and eventually gave up. I walked to a pay phone (I don't remember why my cell phone wasn't working) to call my mom, who I never thought could understand, but in retrospect, I'd never allowed her to understand. She picked up and I instantly sob and wail. She said, "Is everything OK?"

The reality I'd suppressed was that no, everything wasn't OK. In fact, it was awful, nothing was right, and that fixing it was bigger than anything I could do. Saying I "was fine" over the years changed from a state of satisfactory to being thin, weak, light, unstable, flimsy.

I don't remember how my mother responded, or how the phone call ended (except that I had to keep finding change) but it was the beginning of a turning point.

Luckily, I sucked at suicidal follow-through (I learned this before I got to college), and even luckily-ier (I know, not a word) I started to realize my emotions and allow myself to express them, in healthy and unhealthy ways. I had to get the hurt, anger, sadness and frustration off the paper and out of my head. Often I couldn't focus on school or work, two things I really liked. I must have worn the telltale signs of college depression as my RA recommended help (2 years later, I pay it forward by doing the same for my resident). I sought it, and what do you know? Help helped.

I'm not sure why I'm telling this story, but it'll definitely make it into my memoirs. I remember this version of me and know I'm not the only one who's been down this (or similar) roads. I think the biggest reason I'm able to tell this story is because I'm like everyone else. I don't mean that everyone has been (or will be) where I am, but I do mean that my struggles are not unique, and neither are yours. So be not afraid to explore then, own them, and flaunt them, but recognize that others have been there and done that. Fear, the fear of owning those feelings, can be paralyzing, but it doesn't have to. It's a choice, a huge choice, one in self-accountability, and probably one of the better choices I've made in life, because its opened doors to the luxury bigger and better choices.

Go ahead, afford yourself the same luxuries. You (and I) deserve it.
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Monday, July 12, 2010

Could you still love me?

Inspired by a tweet last week.

I'm not perfect, but can you still love me?
See, I'm not a tall model type
Nor a cute-as-a-button type
I could be a girl-next-door
I could be your love at first sight.

Let me not sell myself short
I'm smarter than your average bear
Wit? Yes, Fit, not so much
I have a good heart
That's a good place to start.
I give good hugs.
I don't know how to do cartwheels
But I'd try and learn if it made you happy.

I'm not perfect, but you could still love me
If you learned to like me first
I'm likable, lovable
Kissable, fuckable
I'm take home to mom-able
Has a job-able
At the end of the day, my love's more than probable, but...

I'm flawed. I have issues.
Not only am I not perfect, neither is my love.
It's jealous. Its plain, its unexcitable. But its true.
My love's still, untapped, full, turnt up.
My love is unapologetic, immature, and a little awkward.
Most of all its bashful because its never been asked to play.

So what do you say?
I'm not perfect, but could you still love me?
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

the Lord and I break down love

I woke up with the phrase "love is patient, love is kind" in my head, and decided to break out ye good book. Well I turned to google, I will not kid you.

*pastor voice* if you turn your bibles to first corinthians, chapter 13... And the lord said:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Verses 4-5 really resonate with me, because love gets such a bad rap, when its what we do with love that makes it bad, painful, and makes us resentful. "Love is not self-seeking." Wow. Love is in the interest of all. Love isn't a hating ass hater, yall! "Love keeps no record of wrongs." Man, love is the ish-the gift that keeps on giving. Love, unlike Badu, isn't tired of yo shit.

Now verses 7-8 trip me up. I don't know about love never failing. You cocky mf, you. Love can do no wrong because we, simpleton ass laymen, do all the wrong. Maybe love indeed doesn't fail-we do.

"where there are tongues, they will be stilled." Take heed, yall. If you speak ill of love, you will get shut down. The rest of it, I'm not sure what it means, I gotta think it over.

Verse 6 is the best. This chapter is not only letting you know what love is, but how it gets down. More truth, less evil. Love backwards is e-v-o-l. You really want backwards ass love? Not I.

These are good reminders for everyone-in love, out of love, looking for love, ready for love. Essentially, love's a self-assured mf-er who has reached Maslow's self actualization. It would wear a big sign that says "I'm the ish, you just don't see it yet. Yall fronting," except when you are indeed the ish, its pretty obvious.

Which is cool, cause that's kinda how I aspire to live life, love included.