Whose child is this?

Sidenote: my first guest blogger spot! http://nucitynuview.blogspot.com/2010/03/unsolved-mystery-of-inequity.html


One of my followers (@0_omzjoy, whose blog I shamelessly will plug: http://joyfulwordsofwisdom.com) tweeted this:


"Name two black men over the age 30. With no children. Not gay and unmarried.......don't worry......I'll wait. Can't be famous ... that's good. I need men over 30 though :/ its looking like imma be a stepmom regardless"


How's that for perspective? The reality that the older I get, the more likely I am to end up with a man who already has a child. And maybe not an infant, but like grown-ass "I gotta help this ninja with his science project" child. I already have my feelings about children (the short version: they aight but if I don't have any ill be ok...I think), but now I have to consider this 2-for-1 deal in looking for love. Ruling a man out because he has a child is bigger than the child--its reflective of the choices he's made. Call me names, but I have no problems calling children "mistakes" (not to their face, of course). Of course most parents will say "oh I'd never do things over, I love my child," but #cmonson, having lil Jaden at 17 wasn't exactly on your to-do list, nor was the subsequent babyfavvadrama of family court, child support and living the rest of your young adult life muttering "that ninja aint shit."


Being a stepmom automatically puts you on the B-team. You get subbed in when the starting lineup fouls out. You get stuck raising a child by association. You didn't get a choice, and making the definitive choice to not be in that child's life makes you a grade-A hating ass bitch. The babymama could be the awesomest chick ever, and there will still be potential for drama. She and your man still have a relationship and you have no choice but to be involved. Her needs re: the child come first, always, even when it shouldn't. Remember the great words of Ricky Bobby: "if ya ain't first, ya last!"

One relationship is enough to manage; but now you have two new relationships: between you and her, and you and the kid(s). Who signed up for that shit? Not me!


I want to be with a man who is on the same page in starting a family together. I'd hope that his past doesn't involve a baby mother. I know, shit happens, and can, to anyone. But dammit I put a lot of romantic stock in an educated man, and a part of that is knowing when and where to stick it (and not). Hell, I put even more stock in myself for being smart enough to not get knocked up, because I have more than enough examples reminding me on the streets of Harlem.


There's a reason why I am 25 without child: because I don't want to raise my children at 25. Some of us rock the "25 and under with no kids" badge hard. There should be a damn awards ceremony! Why would I have to be OK with (potentially)raising a(nother wo)man's child?


Oh, right, cause I would love him.


Not. I do give young mothers (and fathers, those who are putting in reall work) their props, however everyone makes their bed. I've made mine-and it has a huge "no kids allowed" sign over it.