Day 21

Day 20, lost.

Confessional:

I feel uncertain. About who I am, who I'm supposed to be, who I want to be. I wish there was more overlap in those 3 identities.

I am selfish. Marriage means a life of shared forevers. Can I ever be ready for that? Children mean I will rarely put my needs first. I actually don't want that. What else could my adult life be, left out of baby showers, attending KD birthday parties alone, never having a family-influenced curfew or a unit to vacation with. Are those deficits?

Sometimes I feel my face hurt because I'm frowning. So I force smiles. It makes me feel better. Then I think, maybe this smile will make someone else feel better.

I feel guilty for wanting nice things, so much that I often don't acquire them.

"Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, that's where the fruit is." Yeah but there's a lot of empty space to fall, and... Well, let's stick to the positive. I like fruit.

I deserve it, right? Is that selfish and entitled too?

#31writenow